


Strings in our Notes

by Lizonka



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends AU, Dancer! Yuuri, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Slow Burn, The Juilliard School AU, composer! Viktor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-02-08 07:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12859851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizonka/pseuds/Lizonka
Summary: Not just friends but also not lovers. Yuuri and Viktor share a bond so deep that no words can adequately describe it. And so they turn to express their love in the languages they know best.However, ever since they started high school, Yuuri feels Viktor is becoming way out of reach. He is always in the spotlight and surrounded by many people, and with Viktor's big plans after graduation, Yuuri is going to have to find a way to stay close to him.This story is an AU where Yuuri is a dancer, and Viktor is a composer, and where both of them refuse to admit that they love each other using the most straightforward way: speaking it out loud.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a remake of my previous fic entitled "You Belong with Me," which was originally inspired by the childhood friends AU that skygemspeaks posted on Tumblr.
> 
> SION is a lot different from YBM, but some scenes from the latter are still canon to this story. I hope you will still enjoy this as much as you did with the old fic <3

**ARC  1: TAKEOFF**

* * *

 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

Yuuri closes his eyes to stop the tears from falling. Yurio is right; things may not have gone as planned, Yuuri can’t just back down now that he’s come this far in the audition. If he clears this stage, the rest will all be smooth sailing. He only needs to relax.

He opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. Clenching his phone in one hand, he opens the door to the audition room with the other. The walls seem to be closing in on him as he walks to the stage. Every step he makes echoes loudly in tune with the rapid beating of his heart. _This is it_ , Yuuri thinks.

The lights are bright and blinding, but Yuuri is grateful for them because it gives him the reason to close his eyes, to will those tears away one last time.

“Yuuri Katsuki,” one of the judges call him. Only then does he open his eyes to face them.

There are three judges seated at a table a few meters away from the stage. The man on the left is busy looking through some papers while the man on the right is drinking water from a bottle. When Yuuri’s eyes land on the woman in the middle, his breath catches.

“So Yuuri, what are you going to dance for us?” Vitya’s Babushka asks, her eyes raking over Yuuri from head to toe. She looks at Yuuri as if it’s the first time they’ve met.

Yuuri clears his throat before answering, “I’m going to dance to ‘To Reach You’ by Ketty Abelashvili. My coach Celestino Cialdini helped me in choreographing it.”

“‘To Reach You…’” The younger man beside Madame Lilia repeats. He writes something on a piece of paper before returning his eyes to Yuuri. “Well then, Mr. Katsuki, show us what you've got.”

Yuuri nods before moving to place his cellphone on the side. When he taps on his phone to turn it on, he realizes how much he’s already trembling. He hasn’t even started yet. After opening the song Celestino help choose for him, Yuuri walks back to center stage.

He stands with one foot forward while his head is facing down. He holds his arms away from his body and begins the countdown. The melody doesn’t start for approximately fifteen seconds. Yuuri knows; he’s been counting the seconds before it begins for several times during the past months.

_Months, I’ve been working on this for months… I can’t let all of my efforts go to waste._

Yuuri’s mind briefly flashes to the memory of Vitya from earlier, but he shakes his head to cut that line of thought. _Not now._

_Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…_

_Nothing is going to change,_ Yuuri tells himself. Vitya is still Vitya, and Yuuri is going to reach him no matter what; even if it would take him a thousand times trying.

_Five, four, three, two, one…_

The melody plays, and Yuuri begins to dance.

 

* * *

 

Ever since Yuuri was young, Vitya has never failed to surprise him.

Vitya strikes the bow against the violin with such certainty and precision, setting free notes down a smooth-flowing river. The music builds momentum as the tempo increases. Vitya’s ponytail swings behind him as he rides through that river, letting it take him to wherever it goes.

As the last few notes ring out, the music falls like the continuous pitter-patter of rain on a roof before landing softly on the ground like a ballerina. There is no splash; only silence resonates as the performance finally comes to an end.

Everyone stands and starts clapping for the violinist on stage. Vitya smiles graciously at the audience, and for a split second his eyes find Yuuri’s, like how they always do after a performance. Yuuri tries to hold back a grin but fails; Vitya beams brighter than him.

Vitya bows and then exits the stage. Yuuri meets him at backstage.

“Yuuri!” Vitya calls out as soon as he sees him, waving at Yuuri with the bow still in his hand.

“Amazing as always, Vitya,” Yuuri tells him.

“I couldn’t have done it without my precious malysh watching,” Vitya says as he ruffles Yuuri’s hair. “My cute little brother!”

 _Malysh…_ He’s calling him that again. Yuuri tries to simmer the disappointment he feels at the reminder that Vitya sees him as no more than a brother.

“Hey Viktor, that was some performance you did back there,” a girl approaches Vitya. Her name is Samantha, Yuuri remembers. How could he not when Samantha is always around Vitya after his every performance with the excuse that she needs to interview him for the school paper.

Vitya turns around to address her, and they start engaging in conversation. Samantha is smiling all the time as she takes down notes on her notebook as Vitya jovially answers her questions. Moments later, more people flock to Vitya like birds. The pretty girls from the higher years and the players from some sports team all gather around to talk to him, even though they don’t actually care about Vitya’s music.

And this is the part where Yuuri steps back. This is the part where Yuuri sighs, turns around and walks away. However, this time Vitya calls after him, causing Yuuri to stop in his tracks.

Yuuri looks over his shoulder and sees that some of the people around Vitya are looking at him curiously. _Who is he,_ he hears one of them asks.

“Let’s eat lunch together again today,” Vitya shouts with one hand cupped around his mouth. “I’ll see you in the cafeteria?”

Yuuri can feel everyone’s criticizing gazes on him, so he hurriedly replies to Vitya with only a nod before quickly walking away. He knows what most people think of him.

 

* * *

 

During lunchtime, Yuuri claims a table in the cafeteria and waits for Vitya there. He reads a book to kill time but finds it difficult to focus on the words. His mind keeps wandering to thoughts of Vitya. The two of them have known each other since they were kids because they went to the same elementary together and they grew up to be close friends. However, ever since they started high school, Yuuri feels that Vitya is drifting away from him. Other people always surround him, and it sometimes makes Yuuri feel lonely.

“Yuuri!” A voice cut through Yuuri’s thoughts and the young teen looks up to see Vitya approaching him.

Yuuri smiles when he sees him, but it quickly turns into a frown when he sees Samantha following behind him.

“Hey Yuuri!” greets Chris, Vitya’s classmate since freshman year.

“Hello,” Yuuri replies as Chris takes a seat across him. Yuuri doesn’t mind him. They went to the same middle school after all.

Vitya takes a seat beside Yuuri and across him sits Samantha.

“Hello, Yuuri,” Samantha smiles at him and Yuuri smiles in return out of politeness.

“I hope you don’t mind Sam joining us today,” says Vitya. “She needs to interview me for an article in the school paper and now is my only free time.”

The school paper always features the class valedictorian in an exclusive article of their last issue for the school year. Although the teachers haven't yet announced the final list of the top students, it’s quite apparent that Vitya is going to go first.

“It’s okay,” Yuuri lies. “I don’t mind.”

 

“What made you start playing the violin?” Samantha asks after the main questions were over.

Vitya stops chewing his burger. The answer to that question is not something he likes to share with just anyone.

“Actually,” Chris replies, coming to Vitya’s aid. “It’s because of Yuuri over here!”

Yuuri stares incredulously at Chris. Chris smiles merely and looks at the two them. Yuuri whips his head around to look at Vitya, and he sees him… blushing?

“Oh…” is all Samantha says.

“Ah, it’s a long story,” Vitya answers after swallowing. He brings a finger to his lips as if to indicate he’s deep in thought. He’s stalling, Yuuri can tell. How could he answer that it’s about Yuuri when he’s not the actual reason why. Stupid Chris, he couldn’t have thought of a better cover-up.

“But to keep it short, let’s just say Yuuri is my muse,” Vitya continues, and his voice sounds so fond that Yuuri would have believed him if he didn’t know better. “He’s a dancer, you know? And he dances like his body is creating the music. Watching him perform makes me want to create my music too. It just so happens that my grandfather is a violin instructor at Juilliard, and I hear him play all the time. I picked up the violin from him and now here I am.”

Samantha seems convinced with this answer, judging from how she rigorously writes everything down in her notebook. Then suddenly recalling Vitya’s words, she asks, “Wait, your grandfather teaches at _Juilliard?_ ”

“Yes, his name is Yakov Ivanovich Feltsman,” Viktor answers. “He’s been at Juilliard for as long as I can remember. My grandmother teaches there too, but in ballet, not in music.”

“Wow, no wonder you’re so talented,” says Samantha as she jots down the details on her notebook.

Vitya puts on a tight-lipped smile to urge her to get done with the interview, but Yuuri can see him clenching his fists on his lap and knows that Vitya is getting uncomfortable. He’s never liked it when people attribute his skills to mere genes.

Without even thinking much of it, Yuuri grabs one of Vitya’s hands in a soothing gesture. He doesn’t look at Vitya, and although challenging, he continues eating his salad with his left hand. He can feel Vitya slowly relaxing under his grasp as he gently entwines his fingers with Yuuri’s

No one can see their hands under the table, and Vitya continues answering the rest of Samantha’s questions.

“Okay, one last question,” Samantha says when lunchtime is almost over. “A lot of people have been wondering, Viktor. Are you and Yuuri dating?”

_What._

“No!” Yuuri and Vitya yell in unison, and they quickly let go of each other’s hand. For a moment, Yuuri thinks he saw Samantha sigh in relief.

“Or so they say,” Chris adds, laughing.

“Chris!” Vitya chastises him.

“What?” Chris retorts in mock defense, raising an eyebrow at Vitya.

“No, we’re not dating,” Vitya clarifies. “Yuuri means a lot to me. He’s not my boyfriend, but he’s more than just a friend.”

Samantha tilts her head in confusion.

“He’s like… he’s like a brother to me,” Vitya explains. “I’ve known him since we were kids and I can’t imagine a life without him. I love him… but not in _that_ way.”

“I get it,” she says, and she’s smiling so widely as if she has just gotten an answer she wants. “Your relationship is very special.”

The rest of the interview goes smoothly from there.

 _“He’s like a brother to me…”_ Vitya has said. Yuuri knows. He always has, but…

Yuuri sees Chris looking at him from the corner of his eye. When he turns to look at him, Chris gives him a sympathetic look. Even though Yuuri would never admit it to anyone, Chris _knows_.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri goes home on his own today because Vitya and Chris still have their graduation practice. However, instead of going straight home as he should, Yuuri detours to a path he has long memorized, knowing he’s going to need a distraction from getting eaten up by his thoughts.

He arrives at the dance studio, a place run by Minako Okukawa, a close friend of Yuuri’s mom. Yuuri has been attending lessons from her ever since he was a child. He even took her pre-ballet lessons when he was four up to the age of eight.

When he gets inside the studio, he sees several students from the younger classes doing warm-ups in the main room. Minako is also inside, so Yuuri enters the room to make his presence known.

“Good evening, Minako-sensei,” he says.

“Oh, Yuuri!” Minako smiles when she sees him. _“Here to use the other room again?”_ she asks in Japanese.

 _“Uhmm, yes, is that okay?”_ he replies in the same language.

 _“Of course!”_ she says, sounding shocked that Yuuri is even asking. _“You can use it anytime you want as long as it’s not already in use. I’ve been thinking of making you a spare key too.”_

_“Oh, you don’t have–”_

_“Nonsense!”_ she tells him to stop with a raise of her hand. _“If you want to practice more, then it’s my job, as your teacher, to support you. So go ahead and dance for as long as you want. I’ll contact your mom and tell her that I’ll be driving you home tonight. Okay?”_

_“Thank you, Minako-sensei…”_

_“Anytime,”_ she smiles. She walks towards a table located by the corner and takes out the room’s key from her bag.

 _“Now go have fun!”_ she says, handing the key to Yuuri.

Yuuri nods and walks away. He’s always so grateful to have someone like Minako. She’s like a second mother to him, and she understands his love for dancing more than anyone else, except maybe, of course, Vitya. Yuuri’s family doesn’t follow his passion, but he doesn’t mind because they support him anyway. But to have someone like Minako looking after him and coaching him as he grew up has definitely helped him improve throughout the years.

Yuuri reaches the second room in the studio and uses the key to open the door. He turns on the light as he enters the room and for a moment just stares at the empty space. Yuuri takes a deep breath as if trying to gather comfort from the familiar scent of the room. It smells like spandex, canvas, and, despite the air freshener that Minako sprays inside every day, it also subtlety smells like sweat. Yuuri doesn’t care; for him, it smells like _home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is a sophomore and is fifteen years old.  
> Viktor is seventeen and Chris is eighteen; both of them are in their last year of high school.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written mostly in Viktor's point of view but with a little Chris POV towards the end. And to people who've read the old fic, you can find some YBM references in there. I'd love to know in the comments what references you found.
> 
> Enjoy!

Viktor sighs in relief when he and Chris exit the auditorium. Graduation practice ended earlier than usual today, and now Viktor can’t wait to go to Yuuri’s place so he can tell him the news. He’s been wanting to do so since this morning, but there was never a perfect time for it.

“Hey Viktor, wanna stop by Alberto’s today?” Chris asks as they walk down the grounds. “I’m in the mood for some pizza.”

“Sorry Chris,” says Viktor as he transfers his violin case to his left hand so he can take out his phone from his pocket. “I’m going to Yuuri’s place, so I can’t go with you.”

Viktor dials Yuuri’s number, not noticing the way Chris narrows his eyes at him. Viktor wonders how Yuuri would react when he tells him that his grandparents have finally agreed. Yuuri has always been there to comfort him after every debate he had with his Baba and Deda.

“Yuuri’s place?” Chris smirks. “Why?”

Viktor clears his throat before answering. “Do I need to have a reason?”

Although Viktor does have a reason for seeing Yuuri today, it’s not like he needs one in the first place. He’s been visiting Yuuri whenever he likes and has even slept over several times since they were children.

Viktor keeps listening to the ringing on the phone, but Yuuri is not picking up. He drops the call and redials the number.   _Riiiing! Riiiing! Riiiing!_

After the sixth ring, Viktor drops the call again and then turns to Chris.

“Hey Chris, did Yuuri mention something about being busy today?” he asks. “He’s not answering.”

“Hmmm…” Chris ponders as he tucks a thumb under his chin. “Ah! I remember now. He told me earlier that he was going to the studio.”

“The studio, huh?” says Viktor. “I guess I’ll just stop by there then. And oh, I’d get to see Yuuri dance!”

Hiking up his bag higher on his back and transferring his case to his dominant hand, Viktor starts walking faster. It’s been awhile since he last saw Yuuri dance because he’s been busy lately in composing new songs.

“Viktor, wait up!” Chris calls out, quickening his pace to catch up with him. Viktor, however, ignores him and goes on a full sprint towards the gates.

“See you tomorrow, Chris!” Viktor waves at him when he reaches the exit.

 

* * *

 

It’s almost six o’clock when Viktor arrives at the studio. After parking his car, he makes his way inside and is greeted with the darkness of the empty hallway. He can hear music though coming from the first room. It’s a piano melody that he remembers to be the same song Yuuri used to practice to when he was younger.

He opens the door slightly and sees Ms. Okukawa demonstrating some steps to her students. Looking around the room, Viktor realizes that Yuuri isn’t there. He silently closes the door and walks down the hallway towards the other room, where Yuuri probably is.

He first notices the light peeking out from the partially open door before he hears Yuuri’s voice counting _one, two, three, four…_

A smile slowly appears on Viktor’s face, and he walks with a spring in his step towards the room. He opens the door fully and sees Yuuri laying down on the floor and catching his breath. He must’ve just finished practicing.

“Aww, I was too late!” Viktor whines as he enters the room and slams the door shut. “I wanted to see you dance.”

“Vitya?” Yuuri’s eyes widen, clearly not expecting Viktor to be there, and he abruptly sits up. “What are you doing here?”

Viktor sits on the floor and sets his case and backpack beside him. “I called you, but you wouldn’t pick up your phone,” he answers. “Then Chris told me you’d be here, so here I am.”

“Aah, I probably didn’t hear my phone ring,” Yuuri explains. “I put it on silent earlier, so I won’t be interrupted. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Viktor says. Then he notices Yuuri is still heaving hard, so he takes out a bottle of water from his bag and offers it to him.

“Oh, thank you,” says Yuuri as he accepts the bottle from him.

Viktor taps his fingers on his knees and stares at Yuuri while he drinks. Yuuri is taking _forever._ Noticing Viktor’s gaze, Yuuri quirks an eyebrow at him. “What?” he asks after drinking.

Viktor takes a deep breath to calm himself. “I have something I want to tell you,” he says, proud that he managed to say that without rushing.

“Okay…”

“Yuuri, I…” Viktor trails off, takes a deep breath, and then continues with a beam bursting on his face. “They agreed. Baba and Deda, they finally agreed!”

Yuuri tilts his head to the side.

“Yuuri, they’re going to let me audition for Juilliard next year!” Viktor explains, delighted that he’s finally able to share his excitement. However, Yuuri only stares at him with a blank expression. Viktor’s smile wanes. Was Yuuri not happy for him?

Then Yuuri loses his grip on the bottle, causing it to spill on his tights. “ _Ah, kuso!”_ He swears in Japanese as he moves away from the puddle on the floor. He hurriedly picks up the bottle and closes it.

Viktor scrambles to his bag to grab a towel. “Here, use this,” he offers it to Yuuri. Yuuri accepts it and hastily wipes himself. It’s useless though; his tights are utterly drenched.

Yuuri frowns and mouths another curse under his breath. Shaking his head, he says, “Well, good thing I changed into these. If my pants had gotten wet, I would be going home wearing tights!”

Viktor laughs. Yuuri never fails to make him smile, even with just the simplest things.

“But wait,” says Yuuri. “You told Samantha during the interview that you’re going to take a gap year after high school. Was that a lie?”

Viktor shakes his head. “Not really. The auditions are still next year, so it’s not technically a lie.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us earlier?”

Viktor looks away. “I wanted to tell you first personally,” he pouts as he hugs his knees to his chest.

“Oh…”

It was silent for a while, and Viktor can’t bring himself to look up at Yuuri yet because can feel a blush creeping up on his cheeks. But when Yuuri sits on his other side, Viktor is surprised. “Aren’t you gonna change?” he asks.

“I will later,” says Yuuri, not meeting Viktor’s eyes. He adjusts the glasses on the bridge of his nose and audibly clears his throat before facing Viktor again. “But first! Tell me, how did you convince Babushka and Dedushka?”

Viktor hesitates. “We… had a long argument,” he says as he tries to keep his voice from shaking.

Yuuri’s excitement fades, and he looks at Viktor worriedly. He doesn’t say anything but waits for him to continue.

Viktor was supposed to audition for Juilliard’s pre-college program when he was eight, but _that_ incident happened, and he’s been too afraid to try since then.

And then he met Yuuri. Yuuri danced into his life like a fire crackling in the embers of a chimney, keeping Viktor warm during the cold winter nights. He was given a second chance, and this is why Viktor desperately wants to go to Juilliard. He wants to make the best out of that second chance.

“I don’t wanna have any regrets,” says Viktor in a voice that’s almost a whisper. “Baba says that it doesn’t have to be Juilliard, but I really wanna try. Juilliard, after all, was where everything started.”

“A-are you ready?” Yuuri asks cautiously.

“I think so…” Viktor replies.

Gently squeezing Viktor’s shoulder, Yuuri says, “I support you, Vitya.”

“Thanks, Yuuri,” Viktor smiles softly at him.

“So... what are you going to major in?” Yuuri asks, changing to a lighter topic. “Violin? Piano? I think it’s already obvious that you’re gonna apply for a Bachelor of Music.”

“I did consider specializing in violin,” Viktor says. “But I’ve always wanted to create my own music, so I’ve decided to major in Composition instead.”

“Wow,” Yuuri murmurs. “T-that’s great!”

“It is, isn’t it?” Viktor smiles widely, his mouth forming a heart. “Deda says I have to compose two scores to submit for the pre-screening. And I need to finish it by December!”

“That’s only…” Yuuri trails off as he counts on his fingers. “Seven months away!”

“I know,” Viktor drawls out the last word. “I think I’ll lock myself up in my room right after graduation, with only my piano and violin for company. Seven months is too short to make two five-minute songs.”

“What about Makkachin?” Yuuri gasps.

Viktor blinks. “Oh no, Makkachin…” he cries. “He likes singing along when I play. I can’t keep him with me.”

“Makkachin would understand,” Yuuri assures him. “If you’d like, I can let her stay at my place whenever you’re busy.”

“Really?” Viktor perks up. “You’d do that for me?”

“Of course,” Yuuri states, and he adds softly, “Anything for you. Besides, I love Makka too.”

Aah, Yuuri’s doing it again. He always does things that make butterflies flutter in Viktor’s stomach. Viktor can feel new emotions flowing into him through Yuuri. He wants to turn those emotions into songs, expressing them in the only way he knows how, in the only way he can. _And may the songs live on forever in the hearts of everyone who hears them. Let them be evidence of a love that exists but is never meant to be._

“By the way, what were you practicing before I got here?” Viktor asks.

“Ah! T-that was nothing, nothing at all!” Yuuri frantically waves his hands in front of him to emphasize his point. Viktor narrows his eyes at him until Yuuri relents. “Just practicing my fouetté turns…”

“Oh!” Viktor’s eyes lit up, and he moves closer to Yuuri. “Let me see!”

“You’ve seen them many times,” Yuuri points out.

“So what? I want to see them again,” Viktor insists, holding on to Yuuri’s arm and pleading him with his puppy dog eyes. “Please?”

“I’m tired, Vitya.”

Viktor pouts at him. He wanted to see how many of those difficult ballet turns Yuuri can do continuously. But then Yuuri laughs, a sweet sound that softly builds the more Viktor keeps pretending to be upset.

“Yuuri!” Viktor cries, tugging on Yuuri’s arm.

Yuuri bites on his lower lip to contain his laughter, but the way his eyes smile and his cheeks puff up is more than enough to give him away.

“Sorry, sorry!” Yuuri only laughs louder. “You’re cute, Vitya, but I am tired.”

 _Cute_.

Yuuri called him cute. A blush rises to Viktor’s cheek, so he averts his eyes. Then he remembers that he’s still grabbing Yuuri’s arm, so he slowly lets it go without making it look awkward.

After a while, Viktor counters Yuuri by pinching him on both cheeks. “No, you’re cute!” he declares and tries to act as if everything is normal. “My _malysh_ is the most adorable human being on the entire planet!”

“Vitya, stop!” Yuuri yells as he tries to get Viktor’s hands off him. Viktor notices Yuuri’s face getting red, so he lets him go.

“That hurt, you know,” Yuuri mumbles as he rubs a hand on his cheek to somewhat soothe it.

“Sorry,” Viktor chuckles. “Hey Yuuri, remember that time when we were kids, and you cried because I was pretending to be upset with you for choosing the Hawaiian pizza?”

Yuuri’s parents took him and Viktor out for pizza one time. Viktor and Yuuri’s sister, Mari, argued over what pizza to buy once they were in the shop. Viktor wanted pepperoni but Mari insisted on Hawaiian. In the end, Yuuri’s mother made Yuuri be the judge between them.

“Oh yeah, I was so scared you’d hate me,” Yuuri recalls fondly. “I loved pineapples, but I told you I’d hate them if you wanted me too.”

“You were so adorable back then!” says Viktor. “I miss those times when we get to hang out more often.”

The two of them used to spend every day together back in elementary since their breaks were at the same time. Their dismissal was earlier too. After school, Viktor would frequently accompany Yuuri to Minako’s studio and watch him practice. He’d bring his violin along and play some songs for him too. On some days, he’d settle on using the piano in the studio. And before the day ended, Yuuri would invite Viktor over to his family’s restaurant for dinner.

 _Those days were the best._ High school is so complicated. Because Viktor is often asked to play during school programs, a lot of people know him. Many try to befriend him just because he is the good-looking,  talented, and intelligent Viktor Nikiforov. Looking back on his high school days, Viktor realizes he hasn’t actually made a new genuine friend. He’s lucky Chris went to the same school as him; otherwise, he would have been lonely the entire time. And when Yuuri finally became a freshman, Viktor has stopped trying to make new friends. Two genuine ones were enough.

 

“Yeah, I miss them too,” Yuuri says softly as he rests his head on Viktor’s shoulder.

Viktor is frozen. Yuuri is… too close to him. He can feel Yuuri’s hair tickling his neck and hear his breath with every air he intakes. He’s been this close with Yuuri before but somehow this time feels different.

He wants to stay in this moment forever.

But Viktor can feel his heart hammering loudly in his chest, and Yuuri is so so close he could probably hear the songs it is singing to him.

“We should probably go home,” Viktor suggests. “It’s getting late.”

“Oh, right,” says Yuuri, jerking his head off Viktor’s shoulder. “I need to change too.”

Viktor rises and then offers his hand to Yuuri to help him stand. “I’ll drive you home,” he offers.

“You don’t have to,” Yuuri declines. “Minako-sensei told my parents that she'd be driving me home tonight.”

“Oh, okay,” says Viktor, trying not to feel disappointed. It’s for the best.

None of them makes the first move to leave. They stand apart from each other, not knowing what to say or what to do. Viktor wants to stay with Yuuri a little longer, wants to hold onto him and keep him close.

He meets Yuuri’s eyes and sees him smiling shyly at him. Viktor smiles back and speaks first, “Well then, I better get going.”

“Okay,” says Yuuri. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” says Viktor before he turns to exit the room.

 _You’ll keep him longer if you walk away_ , he tells himself as he thinks about his future at Juilliard.

 

* * *

 

“So, that’s the reason you were in such a rush to see Yuuri earlier?” Chris asks over the phone as he plops on the bed. “You could’ve just told me while we were together, you know. I can’t believe you had to leave me behind!”

“Sorry, Chris,” Viktor chuckles. “I wanted Yuuri to be the first to know!”

“Seriously?” Chris couldn’t believe it. _God, this man is hopeless._

“Yep!” says Viktor and from the way he said it, Chris can tell that Viktor is grinning widely like a lovestruck fool.

And Chris thinks now is definitely the best time to bring up the topic he has long wanted to ask his friend about. “What you said about Yuuri during lunch,” he starts, “did you mean all those things?”

Chris hears nothing from the other end and is about to repeat his question when Viktor answers. “Of course I do,” Viktor says softly but with a hint of firmness in his tone.

“And?” Chris prompts.

“And what?”

Chris sighs, tired of always playing this game, but determined to make heartthrob Viktor Nikiforov finally admit his crush on Yuuri Katsuki. _Oh, this is gonna be fun…_ “Viktor, I’ve seen the way you look at Yuuri and it’s not exactly… err, _brotherly_ , so to speak.”

“What do you mean?” Viktor asks.

“You look at him with wide eyes and with a goofy smile almost all the time,” Chris points out. Viktor doesn’t answer when he pauses, and Chris takes that as a good sign. He must be blushing right now. “and you look at him as if he has hung up the stars and lit up your entire world. What I’m saying, Vik, is that you look at Yuuri like how you would a lover and–”

“No.”

“–like you can’t possibly– _wait, what?_ ”

“No, like just no, I-I don’t look at Yuuri like that,” Viktor defends, but the quiver in his voice gives him away anyway.

Chris doesn’t understand why Viktor keeps denying it. He’s already seen Viktor ogling (and occasionally drooling) at Yuuri far too many times to believe in the damn he’s-just-a-brother-to-me lie. “Why?” he asks. “Why won’t you ever admit that you like him? I’m your friend; you can tell me about these kind of things.”

Viktor doesn’t answer right away and Chris has to listen again to the eerie silence coming from the other end. He waits patiently for Viktor; he’s not gonna let him go on this one.

After what seems like an eternity, Viktor whispers something in a voice so soft that Chris couldn’t hear him.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Lovers are temporary,” Viktor clarifies, and Chris can hear him take a deep breath afterward. “And Yuuri? I… I don’t want him to be just temporary.”

“Oh.”

_Oh._

So that’s why… Viktor has had his own experiences with lovers in the past. He went out with that one girl in sophomore year, then with that guy in the first semester last year, and then there’s… Well, the point is, they never ended well.

Chris doesn’t know what to reply to Viktor’s admission, but it seems like he doesn’t need to anyway because Viktor has already hung up. Dropping his phone on the bed, Chris tries to take in what his friend said.

_But what about Yuuri?!_

“They’re killing each other, oh my god…” Chris mutters under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we know how Viktor feels about Yuuri! And yes Chris, they're killing each other. Let's see how long they keep doing that until some sense is knocked into their heads. XD
> 
> \---
> 
> The pizza shop Chris is referring to is actually the same pizza shop that I used in _You Belong with Me._ _Alberto's Pizza_ is actually a Philippine pizza shop, so if you're in the states don't go searching for it. I just really wanted to use the shop's name XD
> 
> In YBM, it was Chris who was with Viktor and Yuuri to buy the pizza. It was also him who argued with Viktor over what pizza to buy. I wanted to retain this fact, but since in this fic's timeline Chris didn't meet Viktor until later in middle school, I had to change it. Don't worry; Chris still likes pineapples on his pizza.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating last week. I've been busy preparing for exams, but now that those are over I hope to be able to update weekly.

It’s been a week since Vitya told Yuuri about auditioning for Juilliard. He’s been spending his free periods in the Orchestra Club room in order to use the piano. If he wants to finish composing two Juilliard-worthy songs by December, he says he needs all the time he can get.

Yuuri admires his work ethic, but he’s partly disappointed that he gets to spend less time with him.  _It’s like he’s drifting further away from me,_  Yuuri thinks, but he stops that thought as soon as it crosses his mind because he promised Vitya that he is going to support him.

 

On his way to the library, Yuuri hears the faint sound of a piano. He stops his tracks in the middle of the hallway so he can listen to it. The sound comes from the Orchestra Clubroom, which means it’s probably Vitya practicing again. Yuuri hikes his bag higher on his back and walks in the opposite direction.

 

Inside the room, Vitya is writing in his music book. Yuuri hovers awkwardly by the door, suddenly unsure if visiting him is okay. He knows how Vitya hates being disturbed while he’s composing.  _What was I thinking?_ Yuuri heaves a sigh and decides to walk away.

However, Vitya notices him and smiles, calling out “Yuuri!” Scooting over on the piano bench, he pats the space beside him.

Yuuri mirrors the smile shyly before slowly entering the room. “How’s it going?” he asks as he takes a seat, dropping his bag on the floor.

“Umm, good, I guess,” Vitya answers, returning his attention to his music book to jot some notes only to cross them out with his pencil afterward. “I have an idea, but the music isn’t flowing out so easily.”

“I see,” says Yuuri, his eyes flitting over the notes. “What kind of song is it?”

Vitya continues playing, ignoring Yuuri’s question. Yuuri doesn’t mind, simply content with observing him. When Vitya gets stuck, his eyes close so he can imagine the kind of tune he wants to play. His left hand gestures in the air like a conductor’s baton while his right continues striking the keys.

 _But aah, his hair isn’t tied up_. His bangs are getting in the way of his eyes. Yuuri is about to reach out to push them back when Vitya looks up.

“Yuuri?”

“Ah!” Yuuri quickly drops his hand. “I was just thinking of… braiding your hair?”

“Oh,” Vitya says. “My brush is in the bag.” He points to where his backpack is placed in the corner of the room.

“Okay,” Yuuri says, standing. “Let me go get it.”

Yuuri sighs when he walks away. Clenching his chest, he feels his heart beating so fast.  _I can’t get carried away._

 

Seeing the brush in Vitya's bag, Yuuri smiles. Vitya never forgets to bring it. When Yuuri takes it out, he notices the hair ties and bobby pins inserted into a small pouch in the bag. He takes them all and puts them in his pocket.

“What kind of braid are you gonna do?” Viktor asks but his eyes never leave the piano.

“Hmm… I think I’ll go with a milkmaid braid,” Yuuri answers as he brushes the bangs away from Vitya’s eyes. Vitya taught Yuuri how to braid when they were younger. He showed him different kinds of braids, but by far, the milkmaid braid is what Yuuri finds the easiest.

With the bangs in place, Yuuri brushes the rest of Vitya’s hair and parts it in the middle as he goes. Then he splits it into two halves and starts plaiting the strands carefully on the left half. He makes sure not to make the braid too tight because Vitya hates that. He once told Yuuri that it feels like someone is tugging down his hair.

Vitya seems pleased to sit there while Yuuri braids his hair. He presses a few keys, testing. But when he starts playing several keys together, they come out slow and unsure. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said that the music wasn’t flowing out easily.

Yuuri stays attentive to every sound the piano makes. He can see Vitya’s hands tremble as if he’s afraid of playing the wrong key in case it disrupts the melody.  Yuuri doesn’t understand. Vitya is usually confident when he composes; he’d keep his fingers moving on the piano, never stopping. He loved trying new things and taking risks so he can surprise people; it’s rare to see him unsure like this.

The song is barely coming together and it sounds like a failed attempt at a staccato.  Yuuri doesn’t know what to say. He pauses his hands in braiding and places them on Vitya’s shoulder. Leaning down, he rests his forehead on top of Vitya’s head. Vitya stops playing.

Yuuri doesn’t know what he’s doing or what he’s even trying to do. Although his glasses have fallen down the bridge of his nose, he makes no move to push them back. He just stays like that, breathing in the scent of jasmine and honey from Vitya’s shampoo. He can feel his heart thumping away in his chest and every second that passes by feels like he’s laying it bare for Vitya.

 _For Vitya._  Whatever he’s doing, it’s for Vitya. Yuuri doesn’t know how to compose music, but he does know that music, like dancing, is an art. And he and Vitya are both artists.

Yuuri searches through his memories for some advice that Minako gave him in the past. Minako would always tell him to draw inspiration from the heart, use his emotions to his advantage and let it push him into the steps. Yuuri couldn’t understand it back then that he’d ask Minako over and over on how to do it. Each time, Minako would answer, “Just listen, Yuuri.” Pointing to Yuuri’s chest, she’d repeat the words: “Just listen.”

Gently gripping Vitya’s shoulder, Yuuri whispers against the silver locks, “Listen, Vitya.”

“Y-Yuuri?”

“Your heart already knows the music it wants to make,” Yuuri repeats what Minako told him. “All you have to do is listen.”

Yuuri loosens his grip on Vitya’s shoulders. Vitya draws in a breath and Yuuri can feel it by the way his shoulders rise and fall. Wind enters through the open window in the room; no one moves nor makes a sound. Time stills in that one moment, and Yuuri hopes it never moves again. However, hearing his own heartbeat, Yuuri realizes what a hypocrite he is. He moves away with a sigh.

Refocusing his mind on braiding, Yuuri adjusts his glasses. He then runs his fingers through Vitya’s bangs to put them back behind his ears. Stepping back, he continues plaiting down Vitya’s hair, feeling how silky it is as the strands loop through his fingers.

Vitya resumes playing. It’s still slow and uncertain, but he keeps on going, braver than before.  Moments later, Yuuri can already hear the beginnings of a song coming together. It’s a mellow tune. Soft and unhurried. Vitya takes his time in letting the music unfold, no longer struggling to get it out.

Then he pauses.

Yuuri pauses too, wondering why Vitya stopped. Then the latter leans forward in his chair to get his music book and Yuuri realizes why.

“Vitya!” Yuuri chastises. He hasn’t locked the braid yet.

“Sorry!” says Vitya as he quickly scribbles on the music book. “I just really need to write this down.”

Yuuri quickly reaches out to lock the braid with the hair tie before it untangles itself. After Vitya returns the book on top of the piano, he leans back and shifts in his seat. He wiggles his head as if to tell Yuuri to continue. Yuuri chuckles and starts working on the other half.

They stay like that for some time, falling into a harmony of their own with Yuuri humming along to the tune of Vitya’s piano. Eventually, Yuuri finishes the other half and locks it too. All that’s left to do is pin both braids on top of Vitya’s head to make it look like a crown, completing the milkmaid braid.

Just when Yuuri is about to do that, the door opens.

“Oh, Viktor!” calls Samantha, sauntering into the room. “I knew I’d find you here.”

Yuuri tightens his grip on the braid but not too tightly for it to hurt Vitya. He does not walk away even when Samantha reaches them and eyes him curiously.

“Hello, Sam,” says Vitya, pausing his hands on the piano. “How may I help you?

Giving Yuuri one last look, Samantha takes a seat beside Vitya on the bench. Yuuri’s breath catches. “I’m just here on school paper duty again,” she says.  _That’s what she always says._  “Rumor has it you’re applying for Juilliard, is it true? Didn’t you say you were taking a gap year?”

“Ah yes, it is,” Vitya says, scooting further to the edge of the bench. “Guess I finally found a path for me.”

“I see,” she says as she opens her notebook and takes out a pen from her pocket. “So what are you applying for in Juilliard?”

“Sam,” Vitya says with a hint of exasperation in his voice, but he puts on a smile anyway when he faces her. “Can’t you interview me about that some other time? As you can see, I’m in the middle of composing when you suddenly  _barged in._ ”

“Oh, I am so sorry!” Samantha scrambles out of the seat, her face turning deep red. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“I admire your passion for your duty, Sam,” says Vitya curtly. “But I would really like to work right now.”

“I am really sorry, Viktor,” she says, looking down on her shoes.

Vitya shifts on his seat to make himself comfortable. He positions his fingers on the keys, ready to play, but then he turns his head around to look at Yuuri. “ _Yuuuri…”_

“W-what?” Yuuri squeaks.

“Continue braiding my hair,” Vitya says. “Don’t leave me looking like Princess Anna!”

“What’s wrong with Anna?” Yuuri asks, ignoring Samantha’s eyes on him, as he takes out a bobby pin from his pocket.

“My hair is silver, Yuuri. Silver!” Vitya explains as he starts playing a few notes. “I should look like Queen Elsa.”

Yuuri laughs as he pins the right braid on top of Vitya’s head. He does the same with the left one afterward. “There,” he says, admiring his work. “All done.”

Vitya raises a hand to his hair. He feels the braid, tracing the strands with his fingertips. Turning around in his chair, he asks, “How do I look?”

 _Beautiful,_  Yuuri wants to say but the word gets stuck in his throat as he takes in Vitya’s appearance before him. “You look–”

“Stunning!” Samantha exclaims. “That braid looks perfect on you.”

Yuuri bites his lip.

“Thank you,” Vitya tells her before his eyes dart to Yuuri. “Thank you too for braiding my hair.”

“No problem,” says Yuuri.

Vitya resumes composing, but unlike earlier when he plays continuously, he pauses every now and then to write the notes. Yuuri can see Samantha discreetly taking pictures with her phone, probably for  _school paper documentation again_.

After a few minutes, Vitya rises from his seat and stretches his arms above him. “I’m starving!” he declares, pushing the bench backward with his leg. “I’m going to the cafeteria, so you guys just wait for me here. I’ve been sitting here for  _hours;_  I need to walk.”

“Okay,” says Yuuri.

“Take all the time you need,” says Samantha.

“I’ll be back in a bit!” Vitya says before exiting the room.

 

With only the two of them in the room, Samantha intently looks at Yuuri while he averts his eyes, pretending he hasn’t noticed her gaze since she entered. With her lips in a straight line, she looks like she has something to say but is still forming the words in her mind. Yuuri shifts on his feet and looks at anywhere except at her. Noticing the chairs in the corner of the room, he walks toward them.

“Yuuri,” she calls out to him then.

Yuuri stops in his tracks and turns around. “Yes?”

“Let’s sit together here,” she says, moving towards the piano bench. “There’s enough space for the two of us. Besides, Viktor’s not here yet.”

“I’m okay, you can take that seat,” Yuuri declines. “I’ll just sit over there.” He gestures towards the other chairs.

“Oh come on, Yuuri!” she says. “How can we talk to each other if we’re so far apart?”

“You want to… talk?”

“We might as well chat while waiting for Viktor. And I have some questions to ask about him too, you know, for the school paper.”

Yuuri can tell she’s lying, but he couldn’t form an excuse to avoid her. Conceding, he takes a seat beside her but stays as far from her as possible by sitting close to the edge and keeping his hands on his lap.

“So Yuuri,” Samantha starts. “Why do you always call him ‘Vitya?’ Everyone else calls him ‘Viktor,’ even Christophe Giacometti who’s been in the same class as him since freshman year. Is it some kind of pet name or…?”

“H-huh?” Yuuri asks dumbly, surprised by her straightforwardness today. That question is obviously not for the paper. He thought she’d be double-faced, like always, by talking first about actual relevant things for the paper before easing into the topic she truly wants to talk about.

Samantha, however, isn’t fazed at all and simply repeats her question, “Why do you call him ‘Vitya?’”

“Oh! That’s actually because… well, I started calling him that when I visited Vitya’s place for the first time back in third grade. His grandparents call him ‘Vitya’ all the time so I just started copying them. I thought it was only some cute nickname.”

“It isn’t?”

“Not exactly. Since Vitya is Russian, his name ‘Viktor’ has several diminutives. ‘Vitya’ is only one of those, and it’s reserved for family members, close friends, and for a lover, I guess.”

“For family, friends, and a  _lover_ , huh?”

Yuuri swallows. “Yes.”

“Well, you’re like a brother to him, so of course he wouldn’t mind!” she says. “He did mention that in the last interview.”

 _Like a brother…_  “Yeah,” Yuuri mumbles.

“But that was only Vitya’s opinion though,” she adds, her voice soft. “How about you, Yuuri? What is Vitya to you?”

“What?”

Samantha bites her lip but keeps a firm gaze on Yuuri, her hazel eyes asking him more questions than she dares speak.

Vitya is everything to Yuuri. _Everything._  He is his friend, family, partner in crime, childhood crush, and a lot more. No words can fully encompass what he is to Yuuri. He is Vitya and that is more than enough.

“Vitya to me is just Vitya,” Yuuri finally answers.

Samantha gives him a questioning look.

“He doesn’t have to be one specific person to me,” Yuuri explains. “He being Vitya is enough.”

“Oh, I think I asked the wrong question,” she says, more to herself than to Yuuri. “It’s not ‘what Vitya is to you’ but ‘what do you want Vitya to be to you?’”

Yuuri tilts his head in confusion but Samantha only raises an eyebrow at him. “Like I said,” says Yuuri. “He being Vitya is enough.”

Samantha releases a breath. “Just Vitya, huh?” she grins. “So would you mind if I confess my feelings to him?”

_What._

“You see, I’ve had a crush on him since freshman year,” she continues but looks away to hide the redness creeping on her cheeks. “He’s so cool and handsome, you know? And he’s really friendly that I can’t help but fall for him. But he’s so popular, I felt like I didn’t deserve him.”

“Why… why are you telling me all this?”

“Because I can see how important you are to him,” she says, moving closer to Yuuri. “You’re like family to him, right? And if… if I and Vitya ever do end up together, I want to get close to you too. That’s why I’m asking you. Is it okay?”

 _No. Definitely no._  But Yuuri can’t bring himself to say those words. Saying them is like admitting his feelings for Vitya, and he’s not ready to do that yet.

“I don’t think my opinion matters here,” he says instead, rising from the bench to cut short the conversation. “After all, it’s not like we’re  _actually_  brothers.”

Yuuri takes his backpack from the floor as he turns to walk away but Samantha grabs onto his wrist. “Can you, at least, please hear me out?” she says, her grip tightening.

“I’ve never… I’ve never told anyone about this before,” Samantha confesses. “But I feel like I can trust you. I know we’re not that close and we’ve barely even talked before, but Viktor is both important to us, so maybe we can start from there?”

Yuuri doesn’t want to have anything to do with her at all. He doesn’t want to hear about how she’s been crushing on the same person Yuuri’s been madly in love with for far longer than she has, for way deeper than she ever will. However, when he faces her to extract his arm away, he sees the determination in her eyes. The way her brows furrow and her irises focus on him–it all bores into Yuuri, for that is a kind of look he often sees on Vitya when he composes.

And like everything about Vitya, Yuuri can’t look away. He concedes and sits back on the bench.

Samantha lets go of his wrist and smiles. “I’ve been doing my best to get close to Viktor,” she says. “I wanted to be on the same level as him so that I won’t feel inferior when I approach him. But I… I can’t play an instrument. I can’t sing or dance. I’m not good at anything, you see. I’m only good at studying, but I don’t think that being a nerd would capture his attention.”

She laughs dryly, but Yuuri only stares at her, urging her to get on with it.

“But when I joined the school paper, I discovered what I am capable of,” she continues. “I can write, and now I’m really, really good at it. It makes me feel happy,  _accomplished_. I don’t feel so inferior anymore and I think I’m ready to confess to Viktor. I hope you’ll support me, Yuuri.”

Samantha's eyes are shining, and Yuuri can’t bear to look at her anymore. His mouth has gone dry, but even if it weren’t, he won’t be able to respond anyway.

“Yuuri?”

For the first time ever, Samantha’s voice is not annoying. Listening closely, it is  _daunting._  It probably always has been. Picking up his bag, Yuuri stands.

“I don’t really care either way,” Yuuri lies, because he is in no place to get in her way, but he also can’t bring himself to support her. “Go for it if you want to. It’s Vitya who’ll decide in the end.”

Yuuri walks away but before he could even reach the door, it swings open. Vitya has returned.

“I brought some donuts!” Vitya says as he strides inside. “Let’s all eat toge–Huh? Yuuri, where are you going?”

“The library,” Yuuri answers, walking past Vitya without a glance. “I forgot I still have a book I need to return today.”

“Oh…” says Vitya, but then his voice loudens. “Don’t you want some donuts?”

 “Sorry, I’m not really hungry,” he manages to choke out despite his chest constricting, making it hard to breathe. Forcing himself to look back, but without looking at Vitya, he adds, “You can have my share. I know you love donuts!”

“Okay…”

When Yuuri sees Samantha approaching Vitya, he dashes out of the room.

He doesn’t go to the library. He runs… just  _runs_. Closing his eyes, he lets the wind carry him away. He bites his lower lip to stop himself from screaming while his heart cries loudly in his chest, wanting to break free.

_“I’ve been doing my best to get close to Viktor.”_

Samantha’s words feel like a bucket of cold water poured over him, jolting him awake. She loves Vitya and she’s worked hard to prove herself worthy of his love. She’s been doing everything that Yuuri is not.

Meanwhile, Yuuri is too awkward and anxious to make friends on his own; he’s only friends with Chris because of Vitya. His looks are average and so are his grades. He doesn’t even dance that well despite what Minako keeps telling him. He’s nothing special. He’s just  _Yuuri._

He knows all of these, has accepted them long ago, but why do they hurt him  _now?_

Yuuri stops running to catch his breath, but right at the moment that he does, he gets to hyper-focus on the darkness clouding inside him.  _No, no, no, no, no!_

He falls to his knees and sinks his head into his hands. A choked sob comes out of him. He can’t cry, not here, not now. Yuuri bites his lower lip hard that he draws blood. He desperately blinks and rubs away the tears that threaten to fall down.

Yuuri doesn’t want to think. He has to get up. He has to keep running.

But when he gets back on his feet, he hears someone approaching him. “Yuuri?”

Yuuri whips his head around. _Not now…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Vitya is composing for his first audition piece is loosely based on several original compositions by [Joey](https://yuuris-piano.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, especially [Paper Airplanes](https://yuuris-piano.tumblr.com/post/166649604635/imagine-a-paper-airplane-you-can-fold-all-the).  
> In addition to Joey's songs, I also listened to these so I can better imagine what Vitya's piece sounds like:
> 
> a. [A Beautiful Piano Song](https://youtu.be/41qI_K0KNPY) by Jervy Hou  
> b. [This one moment](https://youtu.be/4rVQ8yyYSVM) by Kiann  
> c. [Rain](https://youtu.be/KFppTBdCse8?list=PLtE8SnGWJ0jDm7J3p-Geh_3l86hpSbnW2) by Simply Three  
> d. [Haven](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqAQnJK5Tks) by Irdeen


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris only wants Viktor and Yuuri to be happy, but the two of them are making it difficult for themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay of this chapter. I guess I can't manage weekly updates after all :(

Chris wakes up to Jessie J singing _Bang Bang_. Turning in his bed, he hides under the pillow, hoping to drown out the noise. But the ringing of the alarm is incessant, and it only grows louder when Ariana Grande joins in for the second chorus of the song.

Chris rises and reaches for his phone. He’s about to throw it away when he sees the time displayed on the screen.

7:47.

“Shit!” He scrambles out of bed, stumbling when his leg gets tangled in the covers.

 

* * *

  

“It’s your eighth time,” Viktor laughs at him during recess. “Only two more left.” He and Chris are in the courtyard, sitting on a bench. They’re staying there because it’s much closer to the auditorium than the cafeteria.

“Mrs. Anderson wouldn’t _dare_ ,” Chris assures. “She can’t stop me from graduating just because I’m late for practice all the time. I have high grades, you know!”

“You don’t have to risk it,” says Viktor.

“ _Excuse me_ , but you’re the one who sneaks out on practice to play the piano,” Chris counters.

“I’m the valedictorian,” Viktor smirks. “She can’t change that.”

 _“You don’t have to risk it,”_ Chris mocks, but Viktor only laughs.

Chris sighs. “I can’t wait to graduate. Then I can fly to Switzerland and visit my cousins. I’m gonna take one year off all to myself.” He gulps down the last of his energy drink before crushing the plastic bottle and shooting it in a trash can a few feet away. When he looks back at Viktor, he sees him staring at him.

“What?” Chris says.

“Huh?” Viktor asks dumbly, and then he recovers. “Ah, nothing! I… I just thought it must be nice to have many cousins.”

“Oh… Well, they can be annoying sometimes, so not that nice.”

Viktor smiles but looks away.

“How are your songs coming?” Chris changes the topic. “You’ve been hanging out with the piano more than you do with me. There better be progress.”

“I have ideas,” Viktor says sheepishly. “I plan to work more on it this afternoon.”

Chris rolls his eyes. By _work more_ , Chris knows Viktor means he’s going to whack his head on top of the piano again.

Viktor groans and sinks his face into his hands. “It’s not that easy, Chris!” he defends. “I’ve been having a hard time in grasping the theme.”

“You’ve been working on this one song for the whole week, Viktor dear,” Chris says. “What is this theme?”

“A-ah… Like I said,” Viktor pauses, swallowing a lump down his throat. “It’s difficult to grasp so I… I can’t explain–”

“It’s about Yuuri, isn’t it?”

When Viktor turns red, Chris smirks. It’s not that hard to guess the theme when Viktor becomes a blushing stuttering mess. “You’re not subtle, you know?”

“Shut up,” Viktor whines.

Chris laughs; he likes it when he gets to see Viktor honest like this. The same goes with Yuuri. His two closest friends have a crush on each other but both think their feelings are unrequited. How funny is that?

_They should stop dancing around each other and just bang already._

“You’re seriously making him your theme for your _Juilliard audition piece_?” Chris asks, wondering how deep Viktor’s feelings for Yuuri are. “I never thought you’d be such a romantic. I was certain you’d go for something… more.”

“Are you implying that Yuuri is _less_?” Viktor glares at him.

“No, I just didn’t expect you to be the type who’d compose silly love songs,” says Chris. “Not that there’ll be any lyrics, but still!”

“It’s… it’s not silly,” Viktor argues. _Bingo_ , Chris thinks, _another confession_. But when he notices Viktor clenching his fist on his lap, the grin on his face drops.

“Don’t trivialize my feelings, Chris,” Viktor says as he looks him in the eye.

Chris does not look away. He meets Viktor’s gaze with his own, taking the chance to assess him. Last week, Viktor insisted that he’d treat Yuuri as only a brother, and yet here he is now talking about his feelings for him.

“Viktor…” Chris reaches out to place a hand on top of Viktor’s fist. “Can I be honest with you?”

Viktor sighs. “What?”

“I’ve never seen you like this over anyone before,” says Chris. “And here’s what I think you should do: Stop lying to yourself and just straight up confess to him.”

“What?!” Viktor yanks his hand away. “No way! That is _insane_.”

“You dancing around him is driving me insane,” Chris bites out. “Saying he’s your brother while having romantic feelings for him is a little wrong. Why don’t you just date him?”

Viktor turns redder. “I… I can’t do that.” He takes a deep breath. “Yuuri is just a brother.” Another pause, as if he himself doesn’t believe in his words. “The more I tell myself that, the more it becomes the truth. I don’t need to date him.”

Chris doesn’t understand him at all. “But you _want_ to date him.”

“But what if we break up?”

“Why are you already thinking about the end when it hasn’t even started?!”

“That’s exactly what I thought when I got into my past relationships, Chris!” Viktor snaps, rising from the bench. “And they all ended. Nobody ever stayed.”

“Yuuri would stay,” Chris insists, because he _knows_. And the more Viktor runs away, the more he’s hurting Yuuri.

“How would you know?” says Viktor. “I’ve been friends with Yuuri for so long. If we date only to break up later, it will be so awkward between us. Things would never be the same, and I don’t want that!”

“Don’t you at least want to try? See if Yuuri likes you back.” No matter how much Chris wants to tell Viktor the truth, he knows it’s not his place to talk on behalf of Yuuri.

A beat passes and Viktor, averting his eyes, whispers, “I want to treasure what we have together,” and louder, he adds, _“_ _I don’t want to risk it.”_

Once again, Chris is at loss for words. Watching Viktor’s back as he walks away from him, he realizes that he doesn’t truly know his friends. Viktor had been in several short-term relationships; Chris wonders which lover broke his heart so badly for him to never wanna fall in love again.

Or maybe it’s because it’s Yuuri and not just any other person.

Yuuri and Viktor have known each other for far longer than Chris has known them both. Chris doesn’t know what it’s like to be with someone for that long, to be afraid of losing someone who’s been a constant in your life since you were young.

 

The bell rings, breaking Chris’s thoughts, and he stands, sighing. He hesitantly walks back to the auditorium.

 

* * *

 

Practice ended around two-thirty that afternoon. Chris hasn’t talked with Viktor since recess. He saw him sneak out of the auditorium, so he assumes that Viktor’s in the Orchestra Club room again. He hopes to find him there and apologize for earlier.

On his way to the clubroom, Chris notices Yuuri running towards him. He’s about to call out to him when Yuuri dashes past him, not even bothering to say hello.

“What’s up with him?” Chris wonders. When he sees Yuuri dropping to his knees in the middle of the courtyard, he senses that something is wrong.

He runs to him, calling out, “Yuuri!”

Yuuri whips his head around and their eyes meet. _Is he… crying?_

“Yuuri! Yuuri, what’s wrong?” Chris demands as he inspects Yuuri’s face. Yuuri’s lip is bleeding, and Chris could only think of the worse. “Did someone hurt you? What happened?”

“Nothing! Nothing happened,” Yuuri yells and pushes Chris away.

Chris staggers but has the foresight to keep himself upright before he could fall. “No? Yuuri, what happened? Who did this to you? If Viktor finds out that someone picked–”

“Nobody, nobody hurt me!” Yuuri looks away. “I’m fine… just please, don’t tell Vitya.”

_Don’t tell Vitya?_

“This… this is about Viktor?” Chris asks. From his conversation with Viktor this morning, Chris can only assume he has unintentionally hurt Yuuri’s feelings again.

Yuuri whimpers and Chris can’t help but feel guilty for not having been able to prevent this.

“Oh, Yuuri…” He attempts to soothe him by placing a hand on his shoulder, but Yuuri flinches the moment he touches him so he draws it back.

“Just leave me alone, Chris,” Yuuri says as he gets up.

Chris watches Yuuri’s back getting smaller in the distance as he walks away from him. Just like with Viktor.

There’s always this wall between Chris and them that he can never break. Chris first met Viktor and Yuuri in middle school, becoming the third addition to their little group. Although he’s grown close to them in the past years, sometimes he still feels  like an outsider. Chris can never be part of the close relationship Yuuri and Viktor share.

He envies them… but sometimes he just wants to knock their heads together.

Nevertheless, he wants to be there for them.

Gritting his teeth, Chris catches up with him. “Yuuri, wait,” he says as he drew level. “At least let me drive you home.”

Yuuri’s and Viktor’s relationship is the kind that Chris has seen nowhere else, the kind one would think only exists in the movies. It’s not mushy like puppy love. It’s strong and runs deep between them, entangling them so they can never get out of it even if they try. Chris doesn’t know what it would feel like to be in their place, but he knows that they deserve to be together. He may feel like an outsider sometimes, but they’re still his friends. And he wants to see their relationship grow.

 

* * *

 

They don’t talk during the ride. Chris plays music in his car and hums along to the tune, hoping to liven up the atmosphere. He fails.

Through the driving mirror, Chris glances at Yuuri sitting in the backseat. Yuuri leans against the window, looking outside but not seeing anything. Chris opens his mouth to start a conversation but shuts it back when he realizes that Yuuri won’t be in the mood. He wants to ask him about what happened but it doesn’t seem like Yuuri will answer, anyway.

Without noticing the time, they arrive at Yuuri’s home. Yuuri mumbles his thanks and gets off his car. Chris watches him walk to the door as he thinks of something to say.

“Yuuri!” he blurts out the moment Yuuri opens the door.

Yuuri looks at him over his shoulder. “Yes?”

Chris rushes out of his car and marches towards him. “You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

Yuuri looks away. “I’m fine, Chris.”

“I’ll listen,” Chris insists.

Yuuri only opens the door wider. “I’m not in the mood right now.”

“It doesn’t have to be right now,” says Chris. “It can be tomorrow or the day after, or maybe even next week; I’ll still listen.”

“Goodnight, Chris.” Yuuri slams the door in his face.

Chris winces. He is clueless about what to do, but he wants to help. He has to bring Yuuri and Viktor together before they hurt each other more.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Chris promises. _And then I’ll knock their heads together, yeah, that’s what I’ll do._

 

* * *

 

Yuuri didn’t go to school the next day.

Yuuri staggers to the side when he loses his balance in doing a fouetté turn. He checks the time on the clock in the room and sees that it’s already noon; he’s been going at it for two hours.

Yuuri goes to the side of the room where he placed his bag earlier and slumps onto the floor. He leans against the wall to rest his back as he catches his breath. He then stretches his legs in front of him to relax the muscles. Yuuri’s not that tired; he can still keep going, but a grumbling sound from his stomach tells him that he needs to eat. He takes his bottle of water and downs all the liquid, hoping to appease the hunger while he thinks of what to eat for lunch.

Yuuri hears the door open and when he looks to see who has entered, it turns out his lunch problem is solved.

 _“Yuuuuri, I bought some takeout,”_ announces Minako as she holds up two takeout boxes from the restaurant across the street.

 _“Thank you, Minako-sensei,”_ Yuuri smiles at her.

Minako joins him on the floor. Yuuri tucks his legs under him to give her space to sit across him.

 _“What did you get?”_ Yuuri asks while she takes out a blanket from her tote bag and lays it on the floor.

 _“The usual green salad, some fried chicken, and some mashed potatoes,”_ she answers as she sets the food on top of the blanket. _“Itadakimasu!”_

 _“Itadakimasu!”_ says Yuuri, diving right into his share.

He usually holds back in eating because he gains weight easily, but he’s so tired from practicing to even worry about getting fat. He takes a bite of the fried chicken and follows it with a spoonful of mashed potatoes to balance the saltiness and the sweetness.

When Yuuri notices that his teacher hasn’t touched her own food yet, he stops.

 _“Sensei, aren’t you going to eat?”_ he asks after swallowing.

 _“I will,”_ she says. _“But first, tell me, why are you here? Shouldn’t you be at school?”_

Yuuri puts down the spoonful of mashed potatoes he was about to eat and looks down on his lap.

 _“Yuuri,”_ says Minako. _“It’s not like you to skip class, even if it’s for extra practice time.”_

 _“Finals are over, so it’s fine if I skip,”_ says Yuuri. _“The teacher won’t do anything at school, anyway. They’re just waiting for us to complete all our requirements. Why waste my time there when I could practice here?”_

Minako eyes him suspiciously but then drops her gaze as she sighs. _“Okay, you can practice,”_ she says. _“But you must show me your improved fouetté turns by two o’clock, you understand?”_

Yuuri beams at his teacher and nods. _“Okay!”_

 

After lunch, Minako left Yuuri to continue practicing on his own. Yuuri gets up and goes to the barre. Holding onto it with his left hand, he curves his right arm in front of him and brings his right foot to his left knee, getting into the _passé en relevé_ position. He then brings his right leg forward, slightly bending his left leg. Afterwards, he opens both his right arm and leg to the side while he rises on tiptoes with his left foot. He then returns his right foot to his left knee.

Yuuri repeats the sequence of positions ten more times to prepare himself for the fouetté turns. When he’s ready, he lets go of the barre and walks to the center of the room. He takes two steps into the diagonal and then executes the steps, but instead of ending it with his right foot to his left knee, he continues by pushing his back leg up and out as he rotates.

He takes a deep breath before going back at it again.

Yuuri performs the fouetté turns even when his legs are tiring. _Down, up, in… Down, up, in… Down, up, in…_ He repeats the words like a mantra in his head so he never gets out of rhythm.

 

_“I’ve been doing my best to get close to Viktor.”_

Samantha’s words from yesterday echo in his mind and it makes Yuuri’s lips twitch in annoyance. Whether it was at Samantha or at himself, he doesn’t know.

 

_“I don’t feel so inferior anymore and I think I’m ready to confess to Viktor.”_

Yuuri turns faster.

He doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. He’s jealous of Samantha, that much is obvious. But Samantha deserves Vitya. She’s been working hard to catch up to him and be his equal instead of staying idle like Yuuri. Yuuri has no right to feel jealous.

But he is, anyway.

Yuuri keeps turning and turning, wishing that if he turns fast enough all his problems will shake off him.

He loses balance and falls.

_Damn it!_

Yuuri lands a fist on the floor and hisses a curse through clenched teeth.He curls his fingers further into his fist but then relaxes them as he takes a deep breath. Then he picks himself up, ready to try again.

Minako is watching him. Yuuri checks the time; it’s not even two o’clock yet.

 _“You’re running away,”_ she says, eyes locked onto her student.

He looks away, getting back into position. _Down, up, in… Down, up, in… Down, up, in…._

He falls again.

 _“You’re not focusing,”_ Minako says as she towers above him. _“Your emotions are all over the place and they’re impairing your turns.”_

Yuuri winces. Minako’s right.

 _“Get up and try again,”_ the teacher commands.

Yuuri redoes the turns, but right after the third one he loses momentum and slows down.

 _“Again,”_ she demands.

Yuuri pushes his back leg up and out and makes sure his working leg is raised high enough when he turns.  Although he’s been doing ballet for years, he is yet to perfect the fouettés; meanwhile other dancers around his age can already do thirty-two straight.

He hates how he can’t admire those better than him without putting down his self. Seeing the brightness of other people only makes him realize how dim his own light is. Vitya is a star, while Yuuri is a small flame flickering on a candlewick in cold windy night, fighting to keep himself burning.

 

And he’s still fighting.

 

 

He knows he can be better if he only tries harder, but it’s difficult. Yuuri doesn’t know what he’s burning for, doesn’t know what he’s fighting for. Still, he doesn’t want to lose.

 

Yuuri staggers to the side and falls. He hisses when his butt hits the floor hard. “Ouch…” he whimpers as he brings his hand around to soothe the pain.

 _“Yuuri,”_ Minako sits in front of him. _“Tell me, what’s wrong?”_

 _Everything,_ he wants to say. “I don’t know,” he says instead.

She frowns at him. _“How can you dance if you won’t lose yourself in the music? You’re much better than this.”_

_I know!_

_“But we’re not even playing any music,”_ he says.

 _“I’m talking about the music inside you,”_ Minako clarifies. _“I know you can do it, but something is holding you back. What is it?”_

 _“I… I don’t know,”_ he cries. _“I don’t know. What’s the point behind all this?”_

Minako looks confused. _“Don’t you dance because you love it? You’ve been dancing for years, after all.”_

True, Yuuri loves dancing. He has always wanted to be a professional dancer ever since he was a kid. Sometimes, after school, Vitya would go with him to the studio and play the piano or the violin while Yuuri dances. As Yuuri grew up, he danced for Vitya. Lately, however, he’s been dancing neither for Vitya nor for him. He doesn’t know why he still dances, maybe because it’s the only thing he has. Without it, he is nothing.

 

 _"Yuuri, look at me,”_ Minako says as she cups his cheek.

Yuuri raises his head and meets her eyes.

Looking at him intently, she says, _“I will give you an assignment.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“An assignment,”_ she repeats. _“But more like a practical exam.”_

Yuuri blinks. _“Why?”_

 _“Because I want you to keep dancing,”_ she explains. _“I want you to choreograph something. Choreograph a dance program using a song you feel connected to. I’ll have you dance to it next week while I watch and grade you. That way, I can make a better judgment on the areas you need to improve on, okay?”_

 _“Choreograph? Me?”_ Yuuri couldn’t believe it. _“But I’m a terrible choreographer!”_

_“How can you say that? Haven’t you been choreographing dances to different songs whenever you practice alone? Or when you’re with Viktor? All of them were good, Yuuri.”_

_“But those were impromptu dances! I’ve never choreographed something for a grade or for an audience.”_

_“What audience? I’m the only one who’ll be watching you, Yuuri,”_ she says and then pats Yuuri’s shoulder. _“You’ll do fine!”_

_“But, Sensei–”_

_“No buts. You will choreograph something and present it next Friday. Agreed?”_

_Where in the world is this coming from?_ Yuuri wants to ask, but he concedes anyway, trusting in his teacher that she knows what she’s doing.

 

* * *

 

Chris never got the chance to talk to Yuuri. Yuuri had texted him and Viktor that he will be spending his time in the dance studio to practice on a program. He’s glad that Yuuri doesn’t seem upset anymore, but he’s also disappointed that he hasn’t had time to talk to him. He doesn’t want to visit Yuuri while he’s busy practicing because he might only bother him.

But on Sunday, Yuuri sends him a text, saying to meet him in the studio. He didn’t specify why, but Chris doesn’t mind as long as he gets to see him.

 

“So, you asked me to come here… _for song recommendations?”_ Chris clarifies.

“Y-yes,” says Yuuri, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Minako-sensei told me last week to choreograph a dance program to a song I feel ‘connected’ to and present it this Friday but I haven’t started on anything yet.”

“Now you’re running out of time coz you wasted so much of it in just looking for the right song,” Chris says. “Am I right?”

Yuuri nods.

“Well then,” says Chris. “what type of song are you looking for?”

“I… I don’t have any set preferences,” says Yuuri. “Anything will do as long as I feel… err, _connected_ to it?”

“Okay,” says Chris, drawing out the last syllable. He takes out his phone from his pocket and opens the music app. _A song Yuuri feels connected to…_

An idea crosses Chris’s mind. He can’t act on behalf of Yuuri and Viktor, but maybe he can give them a little nudge.

“I’ve got a variety of songs here but I don’t know if they’re to your taste,” says Chris as he swipes his thumb on the screen.

“It’s okay,” says Yuuri. “I’m open to different songs.”

Chris looks at him for a second before returning his attention to his phone. “How about I make a playlist for you here on my phone? You can browse through the list and see what catches your attention.”

“Sounds good,” Yuuri agrees.

“One moment,” Chris says as he makes a new playlist. He labels it as “Yuuri seducing Viktor.” But realizing that his intentions would be too obvious, he renames it to “Yuuri’s Playlist.”

 

Chris scans through his songs, giving each a quick glance before scrolling past them.

It has to be something so obvious that Yuuri wouldn’t miss it but also something that Yuuri would like dancing to. As he browses through the list, he realizes most of his songs are loud. Upbeat and usually used as party songs. If Chris remembers correctly, Yuuri likes mellow and soft songs like ballads and country music.

 _But there has to be at least one here that Yuuri would like…_ He continues scrolling down the list until his eyes catch several titles that he thinks Yuuri might like.

 

It was around ten minutes that Chris found enough songs. He looks up and sees Yuuri has moved to the window, probably tired of waiting for him. He calls him, beckoning him to come closer.

“I’ve made the playlist,” says Chris, handing him the phone with the earphones still plugged into them. “I might add more if something else comes to mind. For now, I think those will do.”

“Thank you,” says Yuuri, sitting on the floor across Chris and accepting his phone.

“If you can’t hear the lyrics well, use Musixmatch,” Chris says as he rises. “Listen to them all you want. I’ll just go get some brunch. Would you like anything?”

Yuuri shakes his head. “I’m fine; I ate breakfast earlier.”

“Okay,” says Chris. “See ya. I’m starving.”

Chris exits the room, wanting to give Yuuri some privacy. He hopes Yuuri would like what he picked for him.

 

* * *

 

None of the songs feels right.

Yuuri is almost reaching the end of the playlist, but he has chosen nothing. Maybe it was a wrong idea to ask Chris. Vitya’s the musician, but Yuuri can’t ask him.

He checks the next few songs, sighing after listening to the first half. Everything is too noisy. All beat and no emotion. Reaching the end of the playlist, Yuuri clicks on the last song without even bothering to look at the title. He stands and walks towards the windows in the room, wanting to see the scenery outside because he no longer cares about the music playing.

There isn’t much of a scenery, Yuuri knows. Outside the window is just a view of buildings way taller than the dance studio. They face the sun proudly as they cast their shadows behind them, engulfing the studio in darkness. _At least it gives us shade during the summer,_ Yuuri reflects.

He only has five days left to choreograph the dance program, and he hasn’t found his music yet.

“A song that I feel connected to, huh,” Yuuri mutters. Without thinking about it much, he focuses on the lyrics of the song still playing through the earphones.

It’s… not bad.

It’s a ballad. Yuuri’s surprised Chris even has something like this. The melody is relaxing and the singer doesn’t sound like she’s trying to show off how she can reach the high notes.

 _This will do,_ Yuuri thinks.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri hasn’t attended school for four days now. He’s only texted Viktor once, saying that he’d be in the studio the whole time. Viktor wants to visit him, but Chris had told him that Yuuri wants to be alone while he practices.

The last time Viktor saw Yuuri dance a full program was in middle school. Yuuri has joined none of the studio’s practical activities since Viktor got into high school. Lately, all he’s been doing is polishing his basics and practicing on the more advanced ballet turns.

Viktor quells the disappointment welling in him by reminding himself that he’ll get to see Yuuri on Friday. He had begged Yuuri over the phone to let him see the full program until he relented.

 

Viktor usually goes home with Chris, but the latter was called to the faculty office today for being late ten times during practice. He should wait for him, but Viktor decides to go home early so he can continue working on his song.

When he gets to the parking lot, he sees Samantha waiting by his Cadillac.

“Hi, Viktor,” she says, waving shyly at him.

“Hello,” Viktor says, flashing a smile at her.

“Um, Viktor?” she starts, her voice shaky. “Are you free right now? I have something important I want to tell you.”

“Yeah, I’m free right now. What is it you want to tell me?” Viktor asks as he observes her. It doesn’t seem like she will ask Viktor for an interview again. She’s looking down at her shoes while rubbing her hands together; gone is the confident journalist persona that she usually uses when approaching Viktor.

“Um, Viktor, you see, I…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think about Chris in this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Yuuri dances, he looks for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a while, and I really apologize for that. This chapter was so difficult for me to write. Most of the scenes here were not in my first draft too, which made it longer to finish. I hope you like it!

Yuuri doesn’t know when exactly he fell in love with Vitya.

Maybe it was at that time in fourth grade when Vitya defended him against a bully. Someone in ballet class kept teasing Yuuri about how fat he was, saying he couldn’t do the splits properly because of it. Yuuri had cried back then because the guy was wrong; he could do the splits just fine. When Vitya came to visit him, he saw how red Yuuri’s face had become and demanded to know what happened. Yuuri told him everything, and the next thing he knew Vitya had stomped off towards the bully and talked him down. He almost got into a fight too if it weren’t for Minako stopping him.

Or maybe Yuuri fell in love with him back in middle school. He remembers being enraptured while watching Vitya’s first performance on stage. He looked so cool and composed under the brightness of the stage lights, and seeing him in a bespoke suit made Yuuri realize just how handsome he was.

It was also around then that Yuuri started practicing vigorously. Every day, he would go to the studio and ask Minako to teach him the more advanced moves. He wanted to be on stage too. He wanted Vitya to look at him and make him feel what he felt when he watched him perform.

In his last year of middle school, his adviser in the dance club chose him to perform for an intermission number in a school assembly. Yuuri was nervous at first, but he grabbed the opportunity because he thought it was finally time for him to show Vitya what he’s been learning.

Yuuri invited him to the event. And Vitya showed up, just like he promised.

But he was also with someone else.

Although Yuuri doesn’t know when he fell in love with Vitya, he does know when he realized his feelings for him.

When he was on stage and saw Vitya in the crowd, his arm around a girl’s waist. When the music played and their eyes met, and Yuuri couldn’t think anymore because the girl was resting her head on Vitya’s shoulder. When he danced, nothing came out right. He forgot some steps and kept losing balance on his turns. He couldn’t hear the music over his own internal screaming of _Vitya, Vitya, Vitya…_

He got off the stage, knowing how much he had humiliated himself and just wanting to go home. But Vitya met him at backstage. He hugged Yuuri and told him that everything was going to be okay. For a moment, Yuuri let himself lose in the feeling of Vitya’s arms around him, him and not any other. He made himself believe that everything will be okay, that everything he thought of what he saw earlier was only a big misunderstanding.

However, as Vitya pulled back from the hug, Yuuri was pulled back to reality. The girl from earlier came walking towards them, and Vitya introduced her as his first girlfriend.

 

* * *

 

The metal feels warm when Samantha rests her hands on top of the Cadillac’s door, having been parked under the sun for hours. Oh, how she wishes some of its heat would seep into her. She’s been waiting for Viktor to appear for about thirty minutes now, and it takes every bit of courage she has to not walk away and leave what she has to do for another day. When she catches a glimpse of silver hair from afar, she clenches her hand into a fist atop the metal one last time before releasing it with a deep exhale.

She waves at Viktor when he reaches her. “Hi, Viktor.”

“Hello,” he says, smiling.

“Um, Viktor?” Samantha clears her throat. “Are you free right now? I have something important I want to tell you.”

Viktor looks at her. “Yeah, I’m free right now. What is it you want to tell me?”

Samantha opens her mouth to say the words she’s been practicing for days, but none comes to mind. She can feel herself starting to panic, so she takes a deep breath.

“Um, Viktor, you see, I… I like you.”

 _Crap_. She wasn’t supposed to just blurt it out like that! She risks a glance at Viktor, wanting to see his reaction.

“Ah, that’s very flattering, Sam,” he says, wearing the same smile. “I’m quite fond of you myself. Smart and diligent. And you’re graduating with honors too, yes? Congratulations!”

“Ah, yes… I am,” she says, but then shakes her head. “But what I mean is _I like you!_ I like _like_ you. I… I always have. Ever since freshman year. Do you remember? You once helped me arranged the books while on library duty. And you stood up for me too that one time Mr. Anderson thought I cheated during the test, and, and–Oh, Viktor, you’ve done so much for me. I like you, I really do, I–”

She meets Viktor’s eyes. “I like you.”

“Oh…” Viktor looks away. “Well, um, thank you, Sam, but…”

Samantha squeezes her eyes shut.

“I don’t feel that way for you. I’m sorry.”

 _I know._ She’s always known that Viktor’s never looked at her _in that way_ , but…

“I’ve been working hard,” she says. “I’ve been doing my best to be worthy of your love. I became a better person because of you. I’ll be so good to you, Viktor, I promise. Please, just give me a chance.”

Viktor looks at her sympathetically. She bites her lip to stifle a sob. She knows she sounds desperate, but she’s been in love with him for years. She’s waited so long. Viktor was always with someone else. Viktor was always far away. Now that they’re standing on equal ground, how can she give it all up?

“I’ll be the best girlfriend,” she tries again. “I won’t be a bother to you. If you like, you can keep your options open and date other people–”

Viktor gently grabs her shoulders. “Enough,” he says, but there’s no ice to it. His eyes are kind, and sad when he looks at her. Samantha clamps her mouth shut and looks away, clenching her hands at her sides.

“You deserve someone who loves you,” he whispers. “Someone who, when they’ll look at you, see how beautiful you are and tell themselves how lucky they are to have you in their life. You’re smart and kind; you should never have to beg for someone’s love. You’re better than this, Sam. And you deserve better.”

“But I want _you_.”

He sighs, loosening his grip on her shoulders.  “But I don’t love you.”

She winces. The truth hurts a lot more when spoken out loud.

“I can no longer bring myself to date someone I can’t fall in love with,” he says. “I tried it before, but it never worked out. If you insist on this, it will only hurt us both.

“I don’t have time for relationships anyway. I’ve got things to do and dreams I wanna reach. We’re graduating next week, but we still got a long way to go. We both need to focus on our futures; love will only get in the way.”

Viktor walks to the other side of the car and Samantha hears him open the door. The engine rumbles to life, but its sound can’t drown out the noise in her mind.

Viktor doesn’t have to love someone when he’s dating them. She’s been watching him for years, so she knows how all his relationships went. For him to change his mind so suddenly…

 

“It’s because of Yuuri, isn’t it?” she yells at the last minute. Because she knows there’s always a reason why.

Viktor’s hands freeze on the driving wheel.

“You love him,” she repeats, waiting, _hoping,_ for him to deny it. “That’s why you won’t give me a chance.”

The seconds tick by, but Viktor only puts on his sunglasses.

She used to suspect Viktor had feelings for Yuuri. She can see it in the way he looks at him, in the way he acts around him. She gets to see a side of him that’s carefree, childish, and cute–a side of him that she never gets to see with anyone else. But when she asked him about it, Viktor had denied it. And the lie was so beautiful, so easy to believe in.

“This has nothing to do with Yuuri,” he finally says when he starts reversing his car.

But it’s too late.

Samantha is no idiot; she didn’t become a part of the school paper for nothing. She’s learned to be observant of people’s emotions when she interviews them. And she can see how Viktor really feels even as he drives away, leaving her standing alone in the parking lot. Her legs give out and she falls to her knees.

“He loves Yuuri,” she breathes. “All this time… I should have known.”

Samantha never stood a chance in the first place.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri sits on the floor with his legs tucked under him and his head ducked for his starting position. When the [ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-xZIPEdWKk) starts, he raises his head to the side. Crawling forward with his arms, he drags his legs behind him and lets the floor swallow him as he surrenders to the song, letting it guide him as he moves through the steps. He lies, rolls, and stretches on the floor, like a brush striking a canvas in different directions, painting a story that could never be said through words alone.

Yuuri knows that Vitya is getting further away from him, but he has done nothing to hold onto him. He’s talented, intelligent, confident–everything that Yuuri aspires to be. He’s already walking on the path towards his dreams while Yuuri is stuck wondering where to go.

Forcing himself to rise, he executes the next steps. He spreads his arms and legs like wings and let them lift him off the ground as he turns. Dancing is easier than thinking.

The refrain of the song plays and Yuuri turns around once before launching into a pirouette.

 

_In another life, my teeth and tongue_

_Would speak aloud what until now I've only sung._

 

As the world spins around him, he imagines how different things would have been if he were only stronger, if he were only braver. Yuuri stops for a break, but the music continues playing. He hasn’t choreographed the chorus part yet, despite having only two days left to do it.

Yuuri thinks of Samantha. Has she confessed to Vitya? Are they gonna date now? He winces at the idea even though he knows that Vitya doesn’t seem to be interested in her. Despite what he thinks, he can never be complacent. He made that mistake on Mark, Vitya’s ex-boyfriend. Mark had tried asking Vitya out many times, but each time he’d been rejected, which was why Yuuri never expected them to be together during the Valentine’s Ball last year. The two even made out in the backyard after grinding together on the dance floor.

Chris had shared the story with Yuuri because he wanted someone to laugh with about how the teachers were glaring at Vitya and Mark when they went back inside, their lips a kiss-bitten red and their clothes disheveled. The laughter from Chris died the moment he saw Yuuri’s stricken face, all the blood from him drained as he stared at him with his jaw slack. Yuuri knew he had given away his biggest secret when Chris spoke up to apologize.

 

Now, here comes Samantha. Sweet, kind, and smart Samantha who doesn’t really care about make-up and short skirts. She’s not Vitya’s type, but she’d be easy to fall in love with.

Yuuri groans as he lies on the floor, slapping his cheeks with both hands. “Stop thinking about her, Yuuri! She doesn’t matter. Ask yourself, what is it that _you_ want?”

It has never been a question.

“I want to be with Vitya,” he whispers, his voice trembling. _“I want Vitya,_ and I want him to want me too.”

But he can’t let him know how he feels for him, not now, _not when I’m like this._

 

* * *

 

When Yuuri leaves the studio in the evening, he doesn’t go home. Instead, he takes a bus ride to his family’s restaurant. The place is usually busy around dinnertime, so he thought he’d help out.

In the bus, he takes a seat by the window so he can rest his head against the glass. He’s exhausted from practice, but the idea of having to listen to his thoughts in the silence of his room is enough for him to resist the comfort of his bed.

He looks outside and sees the world rush past him as the bus begins to move. Different people walk towards different places, and he wonders if they really know where they want to go. When the bus stops at the next station, Yuuri sees two women in the waiting shed who doesn’t seem to notice its arrival. They’re holding hands and looking at each other’s eyes, while the crowd around them start boarding the bus.

 _Perhaps people stop wanting to leave when they’re already content with who they’re with,_ Yuuri thinks. _And, maybe, when they’re also content with who they are._

He slumps in his seat, thinking about how much he wants to leave right now, but to where, he doesn’t know. And it’s ironic that he’s having these thoughts while riding a bus.

When he was young, he never had to worry about this kind of things. He always knew that dancing was his future. Now, he’s having second thoughts. To dance, to truly dance, is to open his heart and lay his soul bare for everyone to see. But if the person who matters the most doesn’t see it, then is it even worth it?

 

* * *

 

His family’s restaurant, Yu-topia Katsuki, serves Japanese food, and its bestseller is the katsudon. It’s a rice bowl, served with pork cutlets or fried chicken, with an addition of eggs. The shop is a small establishment, but a fair number of people come every day to taste his Okaa-san’s recipe.

 

Okaa-san dips a breaded pork cutlet in boiling oil. The sound of its bubbling resounds in the kitchen, mixed with the _clish-clish_ of the whisk hitting the bowl as Nee-chan beats the eggs. Their Otou-san is in another corner, filling a pot with water.

Yuuri’s been serving tables since he arrived, but now that it’s past the peak hours, he takes a moment to sit down and rest. Watching his family, he smiles. They all look so happy to be working together.

Okaa-san said that it has always been her dream to cook for people from different countries, bringing Japanese cuisine to them. Her parents didn’t approve, wanting her to be a teacher instead because it was more stable than running a business. But she was a strong woman, and she fought for what she wanted. She took a culinary course and saved money to open her restaurant in the Melting Pot of the World.

Yuuri wonders how she did it. When Nee-chan calls for him, saying the order for katsudon at table fourteen is ready, he rises, grabs a tray, and puts the question at the back of his mind.

 

* * *

 

_“Is everything alright, dear?”_

Yuuri looks up from where he’s mopping the floor. _“Okaa-san…”_

The restaurant’s closed and the chairs are already placed on top of the tables, but Okaa-san brings down one of them so she can take a seat. She smiles at Yuuri.

 _“Yeah, I’m fine.”_ He continues mopping the floor. _“Just need to choreograph a few more steps before the dance is complete.”_

 _“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be lovely,”_ she says.

Yuuri dips the mop in the bucket of soap, squeezes out the excess water, and starts mopping at the back. He cleans out the dust on the floor that customers bring in, and makes sure no shoe prints are left. His eyes wander to the center of the room, and a memory comes to mind.

 

_“More! More!” says Yuuri. “I want to dance some more. Play for me, Vitya!”_

_“But Yuuuri, I’m tired!” Vitya whines. “I already played five songs for you.”_

_Yuuri grabs the violin from the table and positions it on Vitya’s shoulder. “Please, just one more?”_

_Yuuri’s parents laugh._

_“Oh Yuuri, You’re going to make Vicchan break his wrist,” says Otou-san._

_“He’s not gonna stop once he set his mind on something,” says Nee-chan. “You might as well play him one more song, Viktor.”_

_Vitya pouts, but he plays one more song anyway while Yuuri dances._

 

Yuuri laughs quietly as he remembers this. Back when they were kids, they’d clear a space in the restaurant for him to dance in. His parents were fine with this as long as there weren’t many customers at that time.

Yuuri was always dancing and would never stay put. And Vitya was there to play for him, to watch him.

But now…

 

His shoulders sag and he loosens his hold on the mop. After letting it lean against the wall, he walks towards Okaa-san.

He takes down a chair from a table and sits across her. _“Can I ask you a question?”_

She gestures him to go on. _“I’ve been waiting.”_

Resting his elbows on his lap, he looks down. _“How… how did you know that you wanted to be a cook?”_

A beat passes before she answers.

 _“Well, I’ve always loved to cook,”_ she says. _“I like experimenting with ingredients and getting a variety of flavors. And when people say they like my cooking, it makes me feel proud that I was able to create something that made others happy.”_

 _“Okay…”_ Yuuri clears his throat. _“But have you never thought of doing anything else? Don’t you ever get tired of cooking?”_

_“Hmm… I once thought of building an inn. I did grow up in a city with lots of hot spring resorts. But even with an inn, I’d still have to cook for guests. I’d probably enjoy the cooking more than I would with housekeeping. And no, I’ve never gotten tired of cooking. Cooking is essential to life, after all. You can’t live if you don’t eat.”_

She looks at Yuuri with warm eyes, and softly, she adds, _“How can we ever get tired of what makes us alive?”_

 _“I…”_ Yuuri swallows a lump down his throat. _“What if… you keep cooking but, there’s this person, an important person, that won’t eat from it?”_

 _“Oh, Yuuri…”_ She rests a hand on his shoulder and gently rubs circles with her thumb. _“I’ll keep cooking, figure out what flavors they like by expanding the ingredients I use. If, after doing everything, they still don’t eat the food I prepare for them, then I should stop trying to please them. And they should find another restaurant that serves what they like.”_

Yuuri bites his lip. He feels his Okaa-san’s touch leave from his shoulder and goes into his hair, running her fingers through it.

It’s silent in the shop, save for the hushed voices of his Nee-chan and Otou-san cleaning up in the kitchen.

 _“Whoever doesn’t appreciate your dancing,”_ she says. _“Don’t let them stop you from doing what makes you alive. Just like in cooking, the secret to making the most delicious katsudon is to share it with the right person.”_

Yuuri curls into himself. _“I want to dance.”_ He chokes out a sob. _“Okaa-san, I want to dance… But I don’t know if he’d watch me, if it’s even worth it.”_

He wants Vitya to _see_ him. He was the reason why Yuuri wanted to be better, why he wanted to shine. But when he was finally on stage, under the spotlights, and in front of everyone, Vitya wasn’t even looking at him. Everything Yuuri had worked for was all for naught.

Okaa-san moves closer and brings his head to her chest.

 _“If he won’t watch you,”_ she whispers. _“Then I will. Mari and your Otou-san also will. Minako-senpai too. Always remember that we are here for you, that you are never alone when you dance.”_

He nods as he clings to her, while she hums a lullaby to soothe him. Even when Yuuri doesn’t tell her everything, she always tells him what he needs to hear.

 

* * *

 

 _“You’re still not finished with the choreography?”_ Minako asks.  It’s the day before the dance, and she has come to check on Yuuri after her class with the younger students was over.

 _“Umm, yes,”_ he admits, embarrassed. _“I was about to ask you for an extension. I don’t think I could have it done by tomorrow.”_

 _“I could have considered that if I’d seen you working today,”_ She places her hands on her hip. _“Instead, you’re just lazing around.”_

Yuuri winces at that. He couldn’t help it. His mind is always wandering to other things that he can’t bring himself to dance like how he should.

 _“Sensei, I’ve been thinking…”_ He looks up to face her as he pushes himself up to a sitting position. “ _About why I dance.”_

Minako meets his gaze; Yuuri can see the question from her eyes, but she does not ask. Instead, she sits cross-legged in front of him and urges him to go on.

He looks down on his lap as he thinks of everything he wants to say.

 _“I’ve been dancing for Vitya,”_ he starts. _“Since middle school or even way before then, I guess. Vitya had told me that he loved my dancing, so I thought that if I danced some more, he’d keep his eyes on me.”_

 _“So when I was on stage and saw him, in the audience, with his girlfriend, it… it broke me.”_ Biting his lip, he blinks away the tears that threaten to fall. It’s the most he’s ever talked about how he felt back then.

Minako looks at him, plainly, with no prejudice or disgust, and it gives Yuuri the strength to continue. _“I haven’t been dancing well since then, but now I’m tired. I’m tired of being depressed, of not doing anything. So I got to thinking I want to gain my love for dancing back. I want to remember how it was when I danced for someone, for a purpose.”_ He bows his head. _“Minako-sensei, I ask you, please help me remember.”_

Yuuri waits for her reply as he listens to the ticking of the clock, sounding louder than it usually does. But the longer he keeps his head down, the more nervous he gets. He knows Minako won’t laugh at him, but the silence that continues to stretch between them makes him, nonetheless, clench onto the fabric of his tights.

 _“Just to clarify…”_ she says. _“You want to dance again for Viktor or…?”_

Yuuri raises his head. _“Huh?”_

 _“I mean…”_ She clears her throat. _“Who do you want to dance for now? Is it still Viktor?”_

 _“Umm, yes?”_ He thought he made that clear earlier.

She regards him for a moment, before looking away with a sigh. _“Well, if that’s what makes you happy…”_

Yuuri is baffled by her answer but doesn’t press on it. _“So, does that mean you’ll keep on teaching me?”_

_“Even if you didn’t ask, I would have kept on teaching you anyway. But now, that’s not what you need. I don’t think it would be right for me to confine you in this small studio.”_

_“Sensei, what are you talking about…?”_

Minako meets his eyes. _“I think it’s time you have a new teacher, Yuuri.”_

Yuuri blinks. _“What?”_

 _“I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me about Viktor going to Juilliard,”_ she says. _“You’ve been with me since you were… what? Five? That makes it ten years. I’ve taught you everything I know long ago. Now, it’s all a matter of practice for you to excel in it.”_

 _“But… w-where will I go?”_ His voice cracks. Minako has been with him all these years. It’s hard to imagine dancing without her at his back.

 _“Remember Celestino? My friend from college?”_ she says, and Yuuri nods. _“He knows a wider range of dances, so he can teach you more than I ever can. His studio is in the Upper East Side, and the students he teaches usually get into the big conservatories. I’m sure you’ll be better off with him than with me.”_

Yuuri presses his lips into a straight line. _“Can’t I just stay with you? There are still things I don’t know how to do! I’m inconsistent with the fouettés and–”_

She holds a hand up to shush him. _“Nope, you need to be with Celestino.”_

He doesn’t understand why she’s so persistent in driving him away. _“Why…?”_

 _“Well, that’s because you’re going to Juilliard,”_ she states it like a fact. Yuuri’s jaw drops. _“You want Viktor to watch you, right? Then you have to be where he is. How else is he supposed to see you?”_

_What._

Juilliard. Minako wants him to go to Juilliard. He’s never even considered it before. Well, he had… when he was younger. But he simply loved the idea of it. To actually study in such a prestigious school has never crossed his mind.

_“I can’t just go to Juilliard, it’s… it’s–”_

_“The best and nearest school there is for dancing?”_ She cuts him off.

 _Yes._ And someone like him definitely won’t fit in there.

 _“It’s expensive!”_ he argues. Because there’s no way his family can afford it too.

 _“Pshh, I knew you’d say that,”_ Minako dismisses it with a wave. _“So I’m offering to pay half of the tuition fee. You just focus on getting in.”_

_“But how can I possibly get in? Hundreds apply for the dance program every year and only twenty-something are accepted. And all those people who apply would have been preparing for it since they were children. I don’t stand a chance.”_

Yuuri knows this because Babushka had shared it with him and Vitya before. Juilliard is highly selective with its students, and its acceptance rate is one of the lowest in the country.

Minako only rolled her eyes at him, ignoring his distress.   _“I thought you wanted Viktor to watch you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Yuuri is dancing to is called [_1,000 Times_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-xZIPEdWKk) by Sara Bareilles.
> 
> By the way, I think I forgot to mention that it's currently the year 2014 in this fic instead of the 1980s or 1990s something. I decide to change the years they were born so I can have more choices among the songs in my generation, making it easier to write to.
> 
> \---
> 
> I'd love to know what you think of this chapter in the comments below! Especially on your thoughts about Minako :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! For fanfic updates, follow me [@sarabel-stories](https://sarabel-stories.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr.
> 
> Special thanks also to my lovely beta, [Emmy](https://emmylynna.tumblr.com/) for all the help she's given me with this fic!


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